Author: Steven Wright Page 5

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Killing

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Death Life Old Young

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him; he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Dating Relationships

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Problems

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places