Author: Steven Wright Page 5

I talk to myself a lot; that bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Past Things Time

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Alcohol Food/Drink Time

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Fat Hockey

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic… I mimic my shadow.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

It’s not an optical illusion; it just looks like one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

When I visit China I like to get Chinese food… ff course, over there they just call it food.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Places

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations