Author: Steven Wright Page 6

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Wordplay

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote,” so right before I die I could say “unquote.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I like candy canes; they’re my favorite candy… but I only like the white part.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Husbands Marriage

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab… the movie cost me $95.00.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film Money

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was Caesarean born; you can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous Self

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health