Author: Steven Wright Page 7

Hermits have no peer pressure.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Death to all fanatics!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I'm writing a book… I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Self

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I wrote a song, but I don’t know how to read music, so I don’t know what it is.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab… the movie cost me $95.00.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film Money

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body