Author: Steven Wright Page 8

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Things

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Alcohol Food/Drink Time

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment People

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Places World

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Time Young

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Characteristics Fear

I invented the cordless extension cord.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Time

I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Future Time

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication