Author: Steven Wright Page 8

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Problems

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Occupations Wordplay Work

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Situations

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Animals Dogs Problems

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear