Author: Stewart Francis

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Sex Ugly

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Marriage Relationships

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Work

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Characteristics

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities Communication Speech

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Canada Education Learning

I have been called too vague by you know who… but you know the old saying…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I think I’m really learning a lot from my creative writing classes; the entire experience is just indescribable.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Education Learning Reading/Writing

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Entertainment Occupations Speech Work

I was a young lad living under a poker table with a chip on my shoulder.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults Places

I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Occupations Work

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language