Author: Stewart Francis Page 2

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Marriage Relationships Wives

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

What's that up the road? … a head?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Characteristics

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Life Situations

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Dating Language Relationships

You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Work

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers Speech

My piñata costume was a hit with the crowd

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I was a trampoline salesman… off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Work

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay