Author: Stewart Francis Page 3

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Situations

Ways to Relieve Stress #10: Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Emotions Language

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Life Situations

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Emotions

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I manufactured clown shoes… which was no small feat.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech Work

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Reviews/Criticism

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Education School

I don’t think I could be gay… I just don’t have it in me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Self

Today’s subliminal thought is: …

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Emotions

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Sex Ugly

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called Man or Myth.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents