Author: Stewart Francis Page 3

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Ways to Relieve Stress #10: Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Emotions Language

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Marriage Relationships

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Entertainment Occupations Speech Work

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Television

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Death Language

I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Occupations Work

My piñata costume was a hit with the crowd

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Work

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I was a young lad living under a poker table with a chip on my shoulder.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay