Author: Stewart Francis Page 5

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I have been called too vague by you know who… but you know the old saying…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…
at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs… how do I know?… let’s just say a little bird told me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Education School

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Situations

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Television

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Reviews/Criticism

My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Marriage Relationships Wives

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I don’t think I could be gay… I just don’t have it in me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Self

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex