Author: Stewart Francis Page 5

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Time

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Emotions

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Miscellaneous Speech

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Sex Ugly

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults Places

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Marriage Relationships

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Situations

I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Occupations Work

I manufactured clown shoes… which was no small feat.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

When I was at school I was great at history… oh wait, no I wasn't.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Education History Learning Time

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing