Author: Tim Vine

Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back… luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Entertainment Situations Television

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday; I’ll tell you what… never again.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Activities Time

I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You've got hypochondria.' ‘I said, ‘Not that as well.’

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Health

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Communication Wordplay

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things

Black beauty – he's a dark horse.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Animals

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase… I can hardly contain myself.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Situations

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

The advantage of origami is twofold…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Communication Wordplay

I went to a Pretenders gig; it was a tribute act.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Communication Wordplay

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar;’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

I was reading a book… The History of Glue – I couldn't put it down.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese… and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Family People Relationships

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Activities Housework

Velcro: what a rip-off.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things