Author: Tina Fey

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature; plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Health

According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008; Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Things

South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state; as a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from ‘Under God, the People Rule’ to ‘You should have thought of that before prom.’

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Children Family

U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week. Bono urged the president to help the world’s poor; Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Appearance

Kenneth: Your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.

Liz: That's his opinion.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years; of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed Thursday on a landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India. And, in exchange, India would take all our jobs.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Places TV/Movie Quotes

If Bush’s [overall approval ratings] don’t improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush’s job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an ‘F’.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Miscellaneous

A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

I haven’t seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes

Bossypants

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Book Titles

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people… that’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
People

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs; if you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Emotions Entertainment Laughter

Monica Lewinsky has agreed to host a new Fox reality show called Mr. Personality; Lewinsky says this way, when people ask her the most degrading thing she's ever done, she'll have a new answer.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Insults People

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Characteristics

Jack: We are lovers.

Liz: That word bums me out unless it’s between the words “meat” and “pizza”.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Children Family