Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Food/Drink Health Babies Illness Milk

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As J. Effingham Bellweather in “The Golf Specialist”

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Butlers MIdgets

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind”

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood Places

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Food/Drink

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Speech Action Agents Fired

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Elections/Voting Government

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Stumbling

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Acting Communication Entertainment Film Speech

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Author: W.C. Fields

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.