Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Money Taxes

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Acting Communication Entertainment Film Speech

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places Delirium tremens

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!
Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?
The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” Hangover

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Drunkenness Sympathy

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” Insomnia

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cheating

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Things Stick Trust Water

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Insults Declining to play golf with someone he didn't like

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Reading/Writing Comedians

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Business

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

England Insults Places Speech

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Situations Arguments

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Individuals Women Thanks

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

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Author: W.C. Fields

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!
Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?
The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.