Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood Places

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

The soup sounds good.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As the boarding house guests are eating from “The Old Fashioned Way”

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Butlers MIdgets

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities On teaching someone to juggle

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As J. Effingham Bellweather in “The Golf Specialist”

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People TV/Movie Quotes Women As Commodore Jackson in “Mississippi”

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hangovers

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Life Problems

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Food/Drink Health Babies Illness Milk

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather Electricity

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places California Freeze State

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Intelligence Bull

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Fat TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Crime People Bankers Thieves

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: W.C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

The soup sounds good.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Fields reloading!

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.