Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Health Time Hospital Nurse

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Wives

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Conflict Food/Drink Killing

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Water

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Fat TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Money Taxes

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People TV/Movie Quotes Women As Commodore Jackson in “Mississippi”

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cards Gambling

The soup sounds good.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As the boarding house guests are eating from “The Old Fashioned Way”

[Peggy finds a litter of assorted kittens on her seat] Peggy: I wonder what their parents were.
Professor Quail: Careless, my little dove cake, careless.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Animals Men People Situations Time Bull Tail

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Relationships Women Millionaires

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Crime People Bankers Thieves

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Self Drunkenness W.C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Wisdom Betting Horse sense

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Last words Carlotta" was Carlotta Monti an actress and Fields' mistress

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Author: W.C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

The soup sounds good.

[Peggy finds a litter of assorted kittens on her seat] Peggy: I wonder what their parents were.
Professor Quail: Careless, my little dove cake, careless.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!