Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Death Relationships TV/Movie Quotes As Ambrose Wolfinger in “Man on the Flying Trapeze” Mother-in-law

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Death Food/Drink Whiskey

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Health Heart Worry

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood Places

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Conflict Food/Drink Killing

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Food/Drink

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Reading/Writing Comedians

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Blood

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Wives

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Habits Water

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Government Law Lawyers Mothers People Legitimacy

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink Wine

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Individuals Women Thanks

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Author: W.C. Fields

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.