Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Friends People Christmas

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Situations Arguments

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Tying the knot

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Reading/Writing Comedians

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age People Relationships Women

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Life Problems

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Animals Men People Situations Time Bull Tail

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Time When asked during prohibition why (if he didn't have a drinking problem) he bought 300 cases of gin before it started

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cards Gambling

I drink therefore I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Wordplay

The soup sounds good.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As the boarding house guests are eating from “The Old Fashioned Way”

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Wives

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood Places

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Author: W.C. Fields

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

Fields reloading!

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

I drink therefore I am.

The soup sounds good.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.