Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

Peggy: I’m sitting on something!
Professor Quail: I lost mine in the stock market.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Buttermilk

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Laziness Pancakes

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Women

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Food/Drink Time Cook Tender Tough

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Characteristics Games Chance Fairness

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Food/Drink

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!”

I never met a kid I liked.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Relationships

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Failure Situations Success

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Alcohol Exercise Food/Drink Health

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Philadelphia With a noose around his neck he makes his last request to the lynching party

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes After Baby Albert splashed soup over him in “The Old Fashioned Way”

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Fat TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Smoking

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

Peggy: I’m sitting on something!
Professor Quail: I lost mine in the stock market.

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I never met a kid I liked.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.