Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Situations Arguments

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Life World Danger

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Animals Snake

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great McGonigle in “The Old Fashioned Way”

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Time Seen not heard

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Prejudices

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Money Poverty Wealth

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Life Marriage Time

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Wisdom Betting Horse sense

Never give a sucker an even break.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

I'm looking for loopholes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Reading/Writing Religion Bible Loopholes Said when caught reading the Bible

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Drunkenness Sympathy

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind” Busy

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I'm looking for loopholes.

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.