Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Friends People Christmas

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hangovers

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Women

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Animals Men People Situations Time Bull Tail

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Cost of living

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Mae West

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Philadelphia With a noose around his neck he makes his last request to the lynching party

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Situations Gambling

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Characteristics Games Chance Fairness

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

England Insults Places Speech

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Wives Neighbors

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.