Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Money Gambling

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Money Taxes

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Intelligence Bull

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Crime People Bankers Thieves

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Situations Undertakers

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Cost of living

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Buttermilk

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Relationships Embarrassment Engagements Fiancee

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.