Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Last words Carlotta" was Carlotta Monti an actress and Fields' mistress

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Butlers MIdgets

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Things Cheating Owning

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Situations

I drink therefore I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Wordplay

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

I'm looking for loopholes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Reading/Writing Religion Bible Loopholes Said when caught reading the Bible

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People TV/Movie Quotes Women As Commodore Jackson in “Mississippi”

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Food/Drink Health Babies Illness Milk

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Death Food/Drink Whiskey

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Drunkenness Sympathy

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Occupations TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Speech Action Agents Fired

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Money Cost of living

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Harold Bissonette in “It’s a Gift” Drunk

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

I drink therefore I am.

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

I'm looking for loopholes.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

Fields reloading!

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.