Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Elections/Voting Government

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Appearance Insults Old Of an elderly lady dressed to kill

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Comedians Stealing

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Insults About a detested doctor

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Time When asked during prohibition why (if he didn't have a drinking problem) he bought 300 cases of gin before it started

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Government Law Lawyers Mothers People Legitimacy

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Friends People Christmas

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Self Drunkenness W.C. Fields

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

England Insults Places Speech

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Life Marriage Time

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Laziness Pancakes

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Things Cheating Owning

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Philadelphia With a noose around his neck he makes his last request to the lynching party

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Cost of living

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.