Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Fathers

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.

Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Death Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Elections/Voting Government

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Alcohol Exercise Food/Drink Health

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Life World

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!

Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age Appearance Insults Old

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Food/Drink Health

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Friends People

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age Health

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage People Women

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People TV/Movie Quotes Women

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Entertainment Film

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations