Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Friends People

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics Time

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Money Poverty Wealth

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Beliefs Intelligence Religion

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

Secretary: Someday you’ll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Last words

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Conflict Food/Drink Killing

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age Health

The soup sounds good.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Life World

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Places Time

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Crime People