Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Appearance Insults Old Of an elderly lady dressed to kill

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Conflict Food/Drink Killing

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus”

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

I'm looking for loopholes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Reading/Writing Religion Bible Loopholes Said when caught reading the Bible

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather Electricity

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind” Busy

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Comedians Stealing

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cheating

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Time Day Smiling

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Young

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Insults Declining to play golf with someone he didn't like

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Reputation Water

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Situations Arguments

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cards Gambling

Quotes and One Liners

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

I'm looking for loopholes.

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.