Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink Wine

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cards Gambling

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Money Cost of living

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Hangovers

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

England Insults Places Speech

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Mae West

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!”

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Eating Food/Drink

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Intelligence Bull

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes After Baby Albert splashed soup over him in “The Old Fashioned Way”

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Drunkenness Sympathy

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Situations

The soup sounds good.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As the boarding house guests are eating from “The Old Fashioned Way”

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus”

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Reality Sobriety

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

The soup sounds good.

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.