Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Stumbling

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Wives Neighbors

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Insults Declining to play golf with someone he didn't like

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Comedians Stealing

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Relationships Embarrassment Engagements Fiancee

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Characteristics Games Chance Fairness

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Speech Action Agents Fired

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Time Seen not heard

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Poker

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” Insomnia

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind”

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Smoking

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Film

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.