Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Reputation Water

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Betting Lady Godiva

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Prejudices

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Situations Arguments

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Life Problems

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” In a luncheonette

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great McGonigle in “The Old Fashioned Way”

Never give a sucker an even break.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Characteristics Games Chance Fairness

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Relationships Embarrassment Engagements Fiancee

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

I never met a kid I liked.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Relationships

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Money Gambling

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Comedians Stealing

Secretary: Someday you’ll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” Whiskey

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

Quotes and One Liners

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

I never met a kid I liked.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

Secretary: Someday you’ll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.