Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Tying the knot

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Relationships Embarrassment Engagements Fiancee

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Friends People Christmas

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Comedians Stealing

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!”

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Betting Lady Godiva

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Situations Undertakers

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age People Relationships Women

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind”

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Life World Danger

Go away kid, you bother me.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children People

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Philadelphia With a noose around his neck he makes his last request to the lynching party

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Wives

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Health Time Hospital Nurse

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Butlers MIdgets

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

Fields reloading!

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Go away kid, you bother me.

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.