Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Insults About a detested doctor

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Hangovers

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Animals Snake

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Family Relationships Beards

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Appearance Insults Old Of an elderly lady dressed to kill

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” In a luncheonette

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind”

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Nerves

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Beliefs Intelligence Religion

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Self Drunkenness W.C. Fields

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places Delirium tremens

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Smoking

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Situations

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great McGonigle in “The Old Fashioned Way”

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.