Author: W.C. Fields Page 7

To the question: Do married people live longer?

Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Life Marriage Time

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage Wives

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Places Time

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Money

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Animals

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Hollywood Places

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Entertainment

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics People

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Money

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Miscellaneous

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Food/Drink Time

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes