Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 7

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes After Baby Albert splashed soup over him in “The Old Fashioned Way”

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As J. Effingham Bellweather in “The Golf Specialist”

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age People Relationships Women

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Reputation Water

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Time Day Smiling

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Health Time Hospital Nurse

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Food/Drink Health Babies Illness Milk

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Insults About a detested doctor

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Prejudices

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Miscellaneous Promises

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Water

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 7

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.