Author: Wilson Mizner

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Appearance Body Insults

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Animals Insults

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Activities

The most efficient water power in the world – women's tears.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Women

Another pot of coffee, waiter, and bring it under your arm to keep it warm.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Food/Drink

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

He'd steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Insults

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

Art is science made clear.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Art Science/Weather

Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Last words

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Fools Intelligence People

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Hollywood Insults Places

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Self Speech

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Insults Opinion

In the battle of existence, talent is the punch; tact is the clever footwork.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

Failure has gone to his head.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Failure Insults Problems

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, "Have you read…"

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Honesty Lies

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Education Religion

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor – unassisted.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Emotions Love