Author: Woody Allen

Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor?

Allan: No, no, I could use a three foot band-aid.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna: It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for 200 years.

Miles: 204, if you count my marriage.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don’t think I’m up to a performance, but I’ll rehearse with you, if you like.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.

Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna: So then, what do you believe in?

Miles: Sex and death – two things that come once in a lifetime… but at least after death, you're not nauseous.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Allan: I don’t have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian