Author: Woody Allen

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Money

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life

My deepest apology goes to the Trochman family in Detroit. I… I never delivered a baby before in my life, and I… I just thought that ice tongs was the way to do it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Intelligence Problems Understanding

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Money Situations

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Clothing Science/Weather

Luna: It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for 200 years.

Miles: 204, if you count my marriage.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.

Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I believe people ought to mate for life… like pigeons or Catholics.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage People

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don't tan – I stroke!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death People Self Sex

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics Life

Oral contraceptive: The word "no."

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Communication Language Sex

This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

Love is the answer… but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Sex

I took a test in Existentialism; I left all the answers blank and got 100.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs

I haven’t seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I’d been going all this time, I’d probably almost be cured by now.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

There are worse things in life than death… and if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Occupations Work

Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don’t think I’m up to a performance, but I’ll rehearse with you, if you like.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes