Author: Woody Allen Page 5

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Money

Love is the answer… but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Sex

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Eating Food/Drink

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Science/Weather TV/Movie Quotes

I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health TV/Movie Quotes

I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Clothing Science/Weather

I hate reality… but nevertheless, it’s still the only place to get a good steak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Eating Food/Drink Life

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages, but love accounts for the other third.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Marriage

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Food/Drink Laughter

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Places

Sex is like death… only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Food/Drink Sex

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Conflict Fights

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Future Life Time

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, to think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death

I don’ t know if you’ ve read my book, “Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health Speech