Author: Woody Allen Page 5

This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

My luck is getting worse and worse.. last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Conflict Crime

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

I haven’t seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I’d been going all this time, I’d probably almost be cured by now.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

You always think another time would have been ideal for you; the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
History Past Time

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family TV/Movie Quotes

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life Work

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Future Life Time

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Food/Drink Laughter

I have an interesting case. I’ m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’ m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Accidents Autos Things

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Entertainment Film People Work

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Time

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults Relationships Ugly

Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.

Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Places

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics Education

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Situations Time