Author: Woody Allen Page 5

Sex is like death… only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Food/Drink Sex

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Clothing Science/Weather

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Age Family Self Young

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Sex

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals Conflict Situations Sleep

My luck is getting worse and worse.. last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Conflict Crime

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death People Self Sex

I've never been an intellectual, but I have this look.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Intelligence

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Food/Drink Laughter

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again… Great, I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Situations

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Emotions Fear

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Situations

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink

There are worse things in life than death… and if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Occupations Work

This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

I believe people ought to mate for life… like pigeons or Catholics.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage People

According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Places Science/Weather