Author: Woody Allen Page 7

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages, but love accounts for the other third.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Love Marriage

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Sex

Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.

Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Success

I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Money Situations

That’s OK, we can walk to the curb from here.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge… others only gargle.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Education

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Divorce Marriage Sex

Drew Barrymore sings so badly, deaf people refuse to watch her lips move.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Reviews/Criticism

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Intelligence Problems Understanding

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering… and it’s all over much too soon.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Emotions Life Time

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Future Life Time

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Education School

According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Places Science/Weather

Soldier: He was from my village. He was the village idiot.
Boris: Yeah, what did you do, place?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Sex is better than talk… talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Communication Conversation Sex Speech

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money Things Work

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Art Entertainment Life Television

Hannah: Excessive masturbation?

Mickey: You gonna start knockin’ my hobbies?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

God is silent; now if only man would shut up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God People