Author: Zac Felts

“I liquidated my assets” is a better way of saying I spent my paycheck on booze.

American comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

My body is a temple; unfortunately, my diet is ISIS.

American comedian
Appearance Body Self

“Sir, the cereal is bland and unfulfilling, what should we name it?” … ”Life.”

American comedian
Food/Drink

TSA agents look like they would have a hard enough time protecting their lunch money.

American comedian
Government

I’m selling a “Bigfoot hunting for Christians” book because people who believe in both will obviously buy anything.

American comedian
People

Growing up, all I wanted was a racecar bed, but by parents refused to get me one.. but now that I’m doing comedy, I get to sleep in a real car.

American comedian
Occupations Work

I hate when people stop you on the street and try to get you to join their cause; I’ve got things to do! Find your own missing kid.

American comedian
Situations

I’m so American that I’m barely informed enough to have an opinion, but entitled enough to yell about it.

American comedian
America Places