Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Zach Galifianakis
My father used to beat me with his belt… while it was still on him.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Miscellaneous
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Tattoo
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Communication
Language
Abbreviation
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Miscellaneous
I once walked in on my grandparents making love… and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance
Sex
Situations
I have a lot of growing up to do; I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age
Characteristics
Maturing
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance
Self
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron… and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance
Girlfriends
People
Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations
Bible
You know you’re getting fat when your socks don’t fit.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance
Fat
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Housework
Work
Laundry
Sneakers
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age
Family
Relationships
Sex