Author: Zach Galifianakis

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Housework Work

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Self

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Family Relationships Sex

You know you’re getting fat when your socks don’t fit.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Fat

My father used to beat me with his belt… while it was still on him.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

I have a lot of growing up to do; I realized that the other day inside my fort.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Characteristics

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Body

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Communication Language

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you've never been to that bar before.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron… and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Girlfriends People

I once walked in on my grandparents making love… and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Sex Situations