Quotes and One Liners

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

John Barrymore

(1882 – 1942) American actor

Divorce Marriage Money Time Alimony

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Groucho Marx

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Marriage Alimony Income tax

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Johnny Carson

(1925 – 2005) television host

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

Rodney Dangerfield

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Divorce Marriage Sex Wives Alimony

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Animals Divorce Marriage Money (also Arthur 'Bugs' Baer) Alimony

My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship.

‘Spanky’ Brown

American comedian

Divorce Marriage Alimony On his Ex-Wife

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Tommy Manville

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

These days the meaning of a faithful husband is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

Alfred E. Neuman

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Husbands Marriage Alimony

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard Jr.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Divorce Marriage Alimony House

A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.

Marriage Alimony

Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.

Norman Mailer

(1923 – 2007) American novelist, journalist & playwright

Communication Marriage Occupations Reading/Writing Alimony Writers

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Divorce Marriage Money Alimony Latin

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.

Peggy Hopkins Joyce

(1893 – 1957) American actress & celebrity

Marriage Mistakes Money Alimony

Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.

Max Kaufman

typographer

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.