Quotes and One Liners

Marriage Alimony

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard Jr.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Divorce Marriage Alimony House

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Johnny Carson

(1925 – 2005) television host

My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship.

‘Spanky’ Brown

American comedian

Divorce Marriage Alimony On his Ex-Wife

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Groucho Marx

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Marriage Alimony Income tax

These days the meaning of a faithful husband is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

Alfred E. Neuman

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Husbands Marriage Alimony

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

John Barrymore

(1882 – 1942) American actor

Divorce Marriage Money Time Alimony

Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Divorce Marriage Money Alimony Latin

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

Rodney Dangerfield

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Divorce Marriage Sex Wives Alimony

Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.

Norman Mailer

(1923 – 2007) American novelist, journalist & playwright

Communication Marriage Occupations Reading/Writing Alimony Writers

Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.

Max Kaufman

typographer

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Tommy Manville

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

H.L. Mencken

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Divorce Marriage Alimony Ransom

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Animals Divorce Marriage Money (also Arthur 'Bugs' Baer) Alimony

Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.