Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Keyword:
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Christmas
George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Condoms
Boy, a little too much chlorine in
that
gene pool.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Public Speaking
People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t
Cinemax.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Clothing
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Women don’t respect salad eaters.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men
People
TV/Movie Quotes
Women
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
People
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Brains
Penis