Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
Home
About
Categories
Activities
Age
Animals
Appearance
Beliefs
Characteristics
Communication
Conflict
Death
Education
Emotions
Entertainment
Family
Food/Drink
Government
Health
Intelligence
Life
Marriage
Miscellaneous
Money
People
Places
Problems
Relationships
Science/Weather
Sex
Situations
Sports
Success
Things
Time
Work
Additional Categories
Book Titles
Confucius say
Definitions
Epitaphs
Exaggerations
Expressions
Hollywood Squares
Insults
Last Words
Murphy's Laws
Place Names
Proverbs
Reviews/Criticism
Song Titles
Tom Swifties
TV/Movie Quotes
Oops...
Bushisms
Church Bulletins
Classified Ads
Colemanballs
Headlines
Malaprops
Misspokements
Signs
Translations
Yogi-isms
Some Popular Authors
Abraham Lincoln
Alfred E. Neuman
Ambrose Bierce
Benjamin Franklin
Dave Barry
Demetri Martin
Dorothy Parker
Emo Phillips
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
H.L. Mencken
Homer Simpson
Jeff Foxworthy
Jimmy Carr
Joan Rivers
Mae West
Mark Twain
Mitch Hedberg
Oscar Wilde
Phyllis Diller
Richard Lewis
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Stewart Francis
W.C. Fields
Will Rogers
Woody Allen
View All Authors
Keyword:
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Public Speaking
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t
Cinemax.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Christmas
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
People
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Clothing
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Brains
Penis
George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Condoms
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Boy, a little too much chlorine in
that
gene pool.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”
Women don’t respect salad eaters.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men
People
TV/Movie Quotes
Women
As Jerry in “Seinfeld”