Keyword: Babies

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Animals Dogs Men People

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance

A seven pound baby arrived last night to frighten the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Sherman Caswell.

Malaprops

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults Relationships Ugly

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children Family

A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

Children Family

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Food/Drink Health

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Never hit a baby… even if they start it.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Miscellaneous

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Children Family Wordplay

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family