Keyword: Babies

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Children Family Mothers Old

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Family Situations

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Animals Dogs Men People

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Family

The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Children Family

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children Family

Experimenting with Babies

Book Titles Children

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults Relationships Ugly

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

That’s smoother than a spanked baby’s butt

Miscellaneous

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Communication Entertainment Family Mothers

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.

Children Definitions Family

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family