Keyword: Birth

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
America Places

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian
Age Children Old

The moment you're born you're done for.

1867 – 1931) English novelist
Age

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

(1883 – 1965) French-born composer
Intelligence People

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health

I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body… then I was born.

American stand up comedian & juggler
Communication Wordplay

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Children Family Science/Weather

We are born naked, wet, and hungry; then things get worse.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

(1914 – ) historian
Communication Success

Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don’t-a remember. I was just a little baby.

(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers
TV/Movie Quotes

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Communication People Self

Women won't even brag about [giving birth]… we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Men People Speech Women

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self