Keyword: Birth

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Young

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian
Age Children Old

I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body… then I was born.

American stand up comedian & juggler
Communication Wordplay

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Communication People Self

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

(1914 – ) historian
Communication Success

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

(1883 – 1965) French-born composer
Intelligence People

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Family

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
America Places

Women won't even brag about [giving birth]… we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Men People Speech Women

The harsh truth is that the cause of death is birth.

(1937 – ) English painter, printmaker, stage designer & photographer
Death Life

The moment you're born you're done for.

1867 – 1931) English novelist
Age

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age People Self

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Situations

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Children Family Science/Weather