Keyword: Birth

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age People Self

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

We are born naked, wet, and hungry; then things get worse.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

The moment you're born you're done for.

1867 – 1931) English novelist
Age

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Young

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

The harsh truth is that the cause of death is birth.

(1937 – ) English painter, printmaker, stage designer & photographer
Death Life

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Family

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Children Family Science/Weather

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

(1883 – 1965) French-born composer
Intelligence People

I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body… then I was born.

American stand up comedian & juggler
Communication Wordplay

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

(1914 – ) historian
Communication Success

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don’t-a remember. I was just a little baby.

(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers
TV/Movie Quotes