Keyword: From Craig’s List

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling – I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 – suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odor of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box…

This ad may not be the best lonely heart in the world, nor its author the best-smelling. That's all I have to say. Man, 37.

Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tires of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

Save it. Anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377? I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

To some, I am a world of temptation. To others, I'm just another cross-dressing pharmacist. Male, 41.

Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

They call me Naughty Lola. Run of the mill beardy physicist – male, 46.

Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box ### Like I care.

Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it.

My other car is a bike. Eco-friendly bio-diverse M (29). Smells a bit like soil and eats too much soup, but otherwise friendly (you're not seriously going to put that burger in your mouth, are you?).

Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.