Keyword: Jews

Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
Characteristics Law

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

(1952 – ) comedian
Beliefs Characteristics People Religion

Raj: Do you believe you’re going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?

Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.

(1980 – ) American actor, comedian & musician
TV/Movie Quotes

You take 10 Jews at random and put 'em on a basketball court, you get a real estate seminar.

comedian
People

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs New York City Places Religion

The Arabs are only Jews upon horseback.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People

If Moses would have walked two more miles, we'd have all the oil.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Places

I'm Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews 'cause I'm a moneylender.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Beliefs Religion

Did you know that the only Israeli gold medal in the history of the Olympics was in sailing? … further reinforcing the stereotype that Jews don’t tip!

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Sports

People that put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.’

(1957 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion Situations

Did you ever say something and wish you could take it back?… something like, 'Yeah, I'm a Jew, what are you skinheads going to do about it?'

comedian
Communication Speech

There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

As youse people say, Sh-boom.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops People

During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews – an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘

(1931 – 2005) American actor
Family Mothers People Travel

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

(1961 – ) Canadian–American actor, voice actor, author, producer & activist
Beliefs Marriage Religion Situations

If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.

(1907 – 1989) American writer
Beliefs God Government

Let's face it, show business is run by 2,000 Jews and Oprah, and she lives next door to Spielberg, which makes her Jewish by association.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Beliefs Entertainment People Religion

A Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy, and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until they die.

(1933 –2018) American novelist
People

Let my people go!

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion