Keyword: Judges

Judge: Are you trying to show contempt for this court, Mr Smith?

Smith: No, My Lord. I am attempting to conceal it.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Government Insults

Judge: Mr Smith, you must not direct the jury. What do you suppose I am on the bench for?

Smith: It is not for me, your honour, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Law Occupations Work

Judge: A law student who grades his own papers.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Definitions Law

Judge: Mr. Smith, have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon – the great Bacon – that youth and discretion are ill-wed companions?

Smith: Indeed I have, your Honour; and has your Honour ever heard of a saying by Bacon – the great Bacon – that a much talking Judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal?

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Insults Occupations Work

Obscenity is whatever gives the judge an erection.

Law Sex

I would much prefer to be a judge than a coal miner because of the absence of falling coal.

(1937 – 1995) English satirist, writer & comedian
Government Law

… being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go… well, the very opposite applies with judges.

(1937 – 1995) English satirist, writer & comedian
Occupations Work

Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Master of the Rolls: Really, Mr Smith, do give this Court credit for some little intelligence.

Smith: That is the mistake I made in the Court below, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Government Law

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage