Keyword: Suicide

He’s too nervous to kill himself; he wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I find, then, I am but a bad anatomist.

(1763 – 1798) Irish revolutionary figure
Death

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Children Family

A candidate could easily commit political suicide if he were to come up with an unconventional thought during a presidential tour.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Death Government Politicians

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me – I quit."

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Beliefs Death God

There have been times when I’ve thought about it – but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Money

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Time

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Marriage

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Killing Situations

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Books Communication Death Reading/Writing

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself.

(1824 – 1895) French writer
Beliefs God Life People

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes