Keyword: Suicide

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships

I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer
Beliefs Death Opinion

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics Situations

A candidate could easily commit political suicide if he were to come up with an unconventional thought during a presidential tour.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Death Government Politicians

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Children Family

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Time

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Marriage

Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Death Doctors Health

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets; all they found was a pile of dust.

comedian
Death

He’s too nervous to kill himself; he wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Killing Situations

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Money

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

In America, we won't let somebody who's terminally ill have the right to take their own life… but yet, we'll let Evel Knievel jump over the Grand Canyon with a damn moped.

American stand-up comedian
America Places